An Ironic Progress; Letting Go The Lust To Understand In Order To Save My Soul

In just a few days, people all around the globe will celebrates new year, an annual global event for people to;

• try remember and understand why things went wrong, 
• wondering and celebrating all those decisions that turned out well somehow, 
• and keep embracing whatever the fuck that will come next year.

Usually, I just dont care about new years; another holiday with lots of shocking fireworks explosions all over the city (that I think can seriously trigger a sudden heart attack), plus hundreds of people blowing their cheap handmade trumpets that only able to produce a super annoying sounds (not because it is cheap, I hate it because people blowing those things without consideration for other people ears).

Honestly, I just dont give a damn about all those new years euphoria; but in order to keep track all the things that I personally want to achieve, all the dreams and lust as a human being, and as an automatic survival strategy so I can stand up for another year, I have to sit down and start double checking my notes as I comparing my goals as a human, my annual progress as the subject, and my memories of how much I have suffered in the process.

I have been really busy and depressed at the same time due to my never ending research in human existence in modern culture. In order to understand more about your subject you also have to be one, so I try to be one of those normal and acceptable people that are qualified to be considered a member of modern society, my decision turned out to be a depressive turning point. 

Society indeed hold the absolute power to change every humans personality, ripped away every persons humanity, and shaped them into whatever the role society needed, being whatever your community want you to be. 

The irony is losing the ability to understand who you are in order to understand what we all are.

It felt like the society are erasing me slowly, my own idealistic point of view faded away, along with my dreams and visions of my purposes in life. 

I do not want to stop my so-called cultural research, because I know there is a lot of things that I will never understand about human in their modern culture if I never experience it myself. So I decided to keep trying to survive the natural selection of modern biological capitalist evolution.

Unprepared for all the risks to be part of modern industrial society, I was shocked and panicked when I realized that I have put myself in a mental condition that made me unproductive, having no more desire to write, draw, or even to think. 

Every time I forced my self to just doodle around in my sketchbook, it felt really wrong, it felt like it was not supposed to be done. Each time I try to write down things that appeared in my mind, I always paused even before I can produce one complete sentence. 

After a while, I embrace the fact that I wasn't able to create, so I just let it go; I stopped forcing myself  in any possible way. In my depressed but liberated situation, in which I do not have the urge to create anything; I was able to change my focus from creating something into remembering everything. 

I was given the chance to look back at my own perspective, to see what have changed in my mindset, synchronizing my purposes in life with my experiences that have shaped my present point of view, redefining my concept as an artist and my responsibility as a human.

Remembering all those expired thoughts, I spent my time daydreaming almost everyday; it was comforting, surrealistic, dramatic and romantic. I was awake and asleep at the same time. I was in between my own perception of reality and the realism of reality. I was a mix between a dying old man and an unborn baby. I was flourishing and decaying at the same time.

What I do enjoy about daydreaming is that you often finding yourself with a question that you already know the answer to; I was floating unclear in my own blurry existence trying to remember all those past decision, concepts and thoughts in my life, until I stumbled upon one of my random daydream questions that suddenly stopped me, and made me think with a full consciousness;


I am naturally a human, with or without the pretentious society approval.

I grew up and live within a growing modern culture, despite my choices in being part of the movement or not.

I would rather not understand anything about human existence within a global modern culture, than to lose my faith and perspective of how to be a human. 

I dont want to waste more of my time trying to adapt to an unclear global culture, when I have the freedom and rights to develop my very own cultural identity.

I dont want to lose my own humanity only to gain acceptance from a modern inhumane society.

Well that is my brief report to myself.

Good luck next year my friends.

fuck your culture